I’m An Empowered Single Woman But I Just Can’t Masturbate

February 04, 2018 lil teryan 0 Comments


Whether you’re in a relationship or rocking the single life, masturbation is a safe and healthy way to get your kicks. It can improve your sex life with your partner, combat stress, or simply give you something to do on a Thursday night. Masturbation has so many positive benefits, I know, but there’s one major problem: I can’t do it.

1. I HAVEN’T MASTERED ANY MASTURBATION TECHNIQUES.

Yes, this is the first problem and a vicious Catch-22 at that. It’s not that I haven’t tried my hand at masturbation (pun intended) but that what I have tried hasn’t worked. I’ve read the articles written by badass women offering self-pleasure tips to their equally fearless readers, but no technique I try results in the big “O.”

2. I’M A BIT SQUEAMISH, TO BE HONEST.

I’ve always prided myself on being someone who’s very comfortable with her body, but when it comes to searching below the belt, I’m none too keen to take the plunge. Despite a number of successful gynecology appointments, I can’t help but cringe a little when I venture down below as if I don’t know what I’m going to find when I do. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.


3. I DON’T HAVE TIME.

There are some days I wake up and think to myself, “Tonight’s the night. Just me, myself, and I and all of the time in the world…” But then plans with friends happen, I go to bed later than anticipated or I’m simply too tired to get my freak on. Not to mention that I tend to fill my limited spare time with reading, scrolling through Instagram, or getting an extra few minutes of sleep. I don’t make masturbation a priority.

4. I HAVE A LOT OF CATHOLIC GUILT.

I have to attribute a lot of my inability to masturbate to a strict Catholic upbringing. Growing up, I learned that extramarital sex was the worst sin a person could commit (oops) and self-pleasure, while it didn’t carry the risk of unplanned pregnancy, was a close second. No matter how hard I try, I can’t shake the “Big Brother” omniscience of God watching me and my “sinful” deed. It’s easier to look past the guilt when I’ve got a partner to direct my attention to in bed.


5. I CAN’T GET IN THE MOOD.

I’ve read the entire Fifty Shades of Grey series and always enjoy the odd sex scene in films and TV shows (thank you, HBO). I’m not opposed to some literary foreplay and can’t say I’ve never fantasized about a guy I like. Call it lack of imagination but I can’t seem to sustain the arousal long enough to satisfy it. As soon as I close the book or finish whatever film I’m watching, the feeling fades just as quickly as it arrived.

6. I FEEL LONELY, TO BE HONEST.

I seldom feel like I need a guy to get things done, but achieving orgasm is one thing I can’t do alone. Self-stimulation, while it may feel good physically, makes me feel strangely lonely. Maybe it’s the fact that kissing and foreplay are half the fun of sleeping with someone or that I can’t as easily seduce myself that prevents me from concentrating solely on the pleasure as opposed to its context.


7. I GET IMPATIENT.

OK, sometimes I’m just lazy. I don’t have a problem taking things slow with a partner but when I’m alone, all I can think about is crossing the finish line, so to speak. If a few minutes of stimulation yield no results, I give up or I feel pressured to finish and stress so much that it becomes impossible to do so.

8. I CAN’T FOCUS.

Even if I’ve got the stamina to continue for more than a few minutes, my mind tends to wander towards work, errands, and other items on my to-do list. I need to submit an assignment, call my grandmother, and buy groceries. It’s hard to feel sexy when I’m thinking about the fact that I need to stock up on toothpaste and tomato sauce.

9. I CAN’T REPLICATE THE SURPRISE FACTOR.

The best sex I’ve ever had left me thinking, “Hm, I wasn’t expecting that.” One of the best parts of knocking boots with a partner is their unexpected moves that make you gasp in pleasure and surprise. It’s impossible to replicate that unanticipated pleasure alone.


10. I DON’T FEEL THE NEED TO MASTURBATE.

This isn’t because I’m in a relationship and am having sex regularly (I wish) or because I don’t enjoy sexual pleasure (ha!). It’s simply because I do other things to unwind. Of course there are a lot of positive health benefits to masturbation, but I don’t feel as if I need to do it regularly in order to control my mood or physical well-being. When I’m stressed, I exercise. When I’m anxious, I talk to friends. When I’m bored, I read. It may be because I’m not in the habit of masturbating regularly that I don’t rely on it as a means to find my calm.


11. I KEEP MAKING EXCUSES.

When it comes down to it, masturbation is a natural, normal, and wonderful part of being a single an empowered woman. So what the hell am I waiting for?


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